yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
