Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
