if i can run in heels then i can drive
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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