i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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