omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
