Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
