I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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