Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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