Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
