i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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