My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
