I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
