who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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