I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's shark week go big or go home
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
