No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
