My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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