I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
