i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
