He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
