dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
