When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
