You really coming over, don't trick.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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