dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
