just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
