Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
