My room smells like vodka and shame
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
