u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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