took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
