I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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