Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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