So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
