who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
