I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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