I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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