dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
