My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
