Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
