Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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