Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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