anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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