I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
