I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
