So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was confusing and full of hummus
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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