my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
