I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
