I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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