I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
