I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
