I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
