It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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